Month: February 2017

Letting go….

Regina Phalange

Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to let go? That is if you are strong enough to do so. Are you? Can you let go……..

Recently a friend shared her moment of letting go. Only to discover when she was ready to step off the ledge, and land softly. The unexpected happened. He came back within hours of her letting go of him, the idea of him, telling him………she was letting him go. What she discovered was that he can’t seem to get past the idea of her.  Here is what she did.

She took time to write out exactly what she needed to tell him. She kept it very real, very honest, and on point.

She knew it was time to tell the person she had been seeing here and there how she felt and that things had changed for her. She knew it would be hard, and so writing it out was her way of making sure she got her point across. Expressing how she knew what it was in the beginning, but now over time how it felt different. She knew she had developed feelings for this person. She knew she no longer wanted to be just friends.. She simply stated she wanted more…eventually……… she wasn’t sure if more even meant with him. But the idea was that she was and is ready for more in her life. She has no drama, she is stable in her career, the path her life is heading is clear and she is ready to welcome someone in it. To share things with, to do things with, to just be with. More so then just a friend. And so she shared with this person exactly how she felt, knowing she may never hear from them again,….. She expressed to them she was OK with that outcome. She knew she needed to be. This way, it would allow her to let go….. She opened up her window and let her soul fly free.

When she sent this, she took a deep breath, stepped off the ledge and landed softly. What happened next came much to her surprise….

This person contacted her right away the next day. She was quite taken aback by it. This person asked her if she was breaking up with them? She didn’t realize they had anything to break up from.  This person asked her if she needed them to step up, be there more often, yada yada and yada.  Of course she told them, and what about what she had sent did they not understand? Games and BS is something she (or any of us) has time for. He asked her weeks prior not to give up on him, that she was the only one he wanted to be with. That he hasn’t been with anyone else. He asked her what she missed about him.. Comments and questions that he put out there. She had shared with him what she was feeling, but knew she needed to share more, hence her letting go.  This was why she needed to put this out there. If this person could step up, and actually follow through, if this person would just simply give into trusting what he knows he feels. He may very well find that she could be just what he has been seeking the entire time. When he came around he told her yes, I am up for that, I will step up.  I can commit to more time, I can commit to following through. You are who I want to be with……..

yea no……………………..to good to be true…

Unfortunately this didn’t last… A plan was in place and guess what…..he failed, under his own terms. So she made it clear she knows his playing field, she told him what her playing field is. She is still about that, accepts it. He just can’t find acceptance in her truth. Which in turn makes it all the more challenging for her. She told him your just not ready for me in your life. When you can find acceptance in this, you know where to find me. With that being said it doesn’t mean she would still be available.  So she let him ago, again, she gave him an out.  At this point thinking now she’d really not hear from him.  WRONG he contacted her again. I’m like did this person even read what you sent him? Does he think just because he is dangling himself in front of you that you’ll rethink what you expressed. CLEARLY that is exactly what he is thinking. So with that she changed her approach and found strength to lay it right there on the line a 3rd and last time and asked him to please not contact her anymore.

He has some learning to do, he has some growing to do, he has to find it within himself to accept that his past is that, his past. (she knows he has had a bad experience with commitment and trust). He needs to stop allowing it to hold people at bay. A great opportunity is right in front of him and he knows it. If he didn’t, well he wouldn’t keep coming back. She is the real deal, perhaps he is scared and isn’t ready for something real. Perhaps this is why he continues to reach out to her but yet keep her at arms length because he is scared of the possibility. Only he knows……

All she can do, is power through, and be still…….

So here is what I know….. For my dear friend I told her, letting go is hard….. Being still about it is harder.. Find the strength to let it go…..When you can do this, you will be able to open up your window and let your soul fly free.

 

What do you believe? What can you believe?

Regina Phalange

What do you believe? What can you believe?
Ever find yourself challenged with this question when it comes to someone? Of course you are. Especially in the early stage of trying to figure out if they are who we might want them to be with and who we want to be with.

In the begging stages of what ever it is we enter into with someone, we ask ourselves these 2 questions (in some fashion) What do we believe? What can we believe? See if someone seems to good to be true, are they? Or aren’t they? We want to feel and believe what someone is telling us is real.
Now step back to when it all started. Think about first and foremost, what was it when you started. What was the playing field of this whatever kind of relationship you are having with this person?
Was it just to go out and have fun????………………..I mean after all it was comfortable so why not just leave it at that….Sure keep telling yourself that…….In the beginning maybe that is  how it was to be played. .

But what happens when it’s past a certain time frame… How long do we wait until we realize hang on, how long have we been doing this now, 4, 5, 6, 7 months.. OK wait, is it more then what it was, when it started? And why am I asking myself this? Could it be that there are feelings that startedo develop? ……..Scary…………………………yes….why? Well because it could be one sided… Then there is the question should I tell the other how I feel?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes you should… If you feel something more then what it was when it all started then YES you need to find strength and share. Regardless of what you think the outcome is going to be.  You have NO idea what the outcome is going to be, unless you have a magic crystal ball that gives you all the answers. If that is the case then why are you even reading this? Because clearly you and it, that magic crystal ball have all the answers…. Let’s keep it real people. You will never know until you put it out there. If all it was suppose to be was fun and what not, and that person calls you out on it. OWN IT!!! And tell them, hey I”m just keeping it real. I am being honest and need to share how I feel about this now.

Oddly enough this person may completely disappear.  So be it. Keep in mind 90% of them come back. Could be for a variety of reasons. They think maybe your not with someone and you will  give in to them.. Don’t be that person and give in. You are stronger then that! YES YOU ARE!

or….

They could realize you are the real deal and need to take a better look at what you said and what quite possibly have lost.  Enough time has past and they see a bigger picture.

or……

They could realize they need to just give it a shot. Because their absence has made them recognize you, were/are what  they very well could be looking for.

Now with that being said, some may be defensive about it. Yes this happens…… because all it was suppose to be was hanging out and fun.
Sure you were good with that when it started..Yet something happened….Things, feelings happen. Don’t push them away, own it!

They will bark and balk about how you are over thinking things.  They will suggest that you aren’t at all who you put yourself out there to be when it all started.
See the thing is when we spend time with people, especially those you are intrigued with, we tend to find ourselves attaching to them more. We tend to think of them more often. We tend to a lot of things about them….. So you might have been ok with how you both agreed it to be in the beginning. However for you now, yes it’s different and that is OK.

Or that you are hot one minute and cold the next. This is OK as well.
If you are little crazed by the wonder of this person….aaahhhh this is why you should share!
Do not let them make you feel badly, guilty about keeping it real for yourself.

They are simply not at all comfortable with themselves.  Nor do they have a good relationship with themselves.

Remember this therapy blog session?
https://and-here-we-are.com/do-you-have-a-good-relationship-with-yourself/

If you haven’t read it, please do.. It may help shed some light on the topic.

After all you are only human, and with that comes emotions. We as humans need to express ourselves…Keeping it all bottled up does you no good. If someone can’t handle that, then move on! But for you at least you then will know you needed, that was/is to be open, honest, and real!

So here is what I know……..

Don’t back down on who you are. Don’t let someone take over who you are. Do Not Own Their Drama!!!
Always know what you want, who you are, what you need, how you feel. Give yourself a expectation.

 

When we fall….

Regina Phalange

How do you fall???

In the moment/s…

In Lust….

In love…

No matter what it is, when we fall, it can and will have many different outcomes. We may only be looking for one outcome, but don’t be surprised if it’s nothing as you had thought it could be. We don’t have a magic crystal ball to see into the future. We can’t control what will happen when we fall in the moment, in lust or in love.  We have to simply open up our window and left our soul fly free.

When the moment strikes us it does come out of no where, it’s that moment someone smiles at you in that way, that makes your heart skip a beat or 3. It’s that moment you notice them leaning in to breath in just how good you smell and you notice it and they are glad you did. It’s that moment you both feel that chemistry, that connection. It’s that moment you know you want to taste their lips and feel their skin. It’s that moment when you are ready to fall asleep and wake up and they are what/who seems to be on your mind. It’s that moment you get a text or a phone call from them that makes your heart smile. It’s that moment they share something from their childhood that is special to them. It’s that moment they listen to you. It’s that moment when you look into each others eyes and you both just know…….

Lustful thoughts…… sensual lustful thoughts…It’s that moment you stop and think of them and you feel the energy of being with them sore through your body. It’s that moment they touch your skin you feel it from head to toe. It’s that moment you want to take them and do what you have discussed for weeks and just go with it. It’s that moment when your eyes roll to the back of your head and you are in the moment and just let go. It’s that moment where you allow yourself to be vulnerable to this person and they are with you. It’s that moment where each others fantasies comes to life.  It’s that moment when you look into each others eyes and you both just know.

In love…..This isn’t something to tread lightly. It’s that moment it hits you like a brick. It’s those moments you can’t stop thinking about them. It’s the moment our friend calls you out on it, and asks. you fell in love didn’t you? And you were trying to be quite about it. It clearly didn’t work.  It’s that moment you feel you shouldn’t give up. It’s that moment they ask you not to give up on them. It’s that moment they say you are who I want to be with. It’s that moment they say you are the only one I want. It’s that moment you look into each others eyes and you both just know.

Love, Lust, Moment/s they strike you from no where…

So…..Here is what I know…..

Take the chance of something that could be your amazing…

 

Do you have a good relationship with yourself?

Regina Phalange

Well do you? It all starts there.

I read a great book about 15 years ago called “Social Gathering, in Pursuit of the Perfect Relationship” SG No it’s not about the Perfect Relationship with a man, or a women. It’s about having the perfect relationship with yourself, before you can with someone else. So this book got me thinking on a few levels of the relationships we have with ourselves. Do you have a good emotional, physical, spiritual, financial relationship with yourself? Sometimes we go through phases on all levels of each of these. Now of course when we have all 4 at the same time, it’s amazing how good you feel your life and you are.

Through this discovery myself I can pinpoint right now when it happened for me.  No it wasn’t years ago, no it wasn’t after my divorce, nor was it yesterday.  It came when things starting falling into place for me. When I could stop and think about for example my physical relationship with myself. I’m not a skinny mini (nor would I want to be), I’m not obese, I’m not perfect by any means, but I look in the mirror and physically feel good about what I see in that mirror. I work hard with the body I have been given, I pay attention to what my genetics are ( have since I was about 18). I know being active is something I will always have to incorporate in my life. By the way working out for me is like therapy, truly it is! I used to hate having to go to the gym. Now I look forward to my 60-90 minute therapy sessions 5-6 days a week. Okay back to the discussion….. I feel good about the skin I am in, I embrace what I see, what I feel about the women standing in front of me in the mirror.

And so with that, I thought about other area’s I seek to….. After my divorce I found control of my finances, finally… yes someone else had control of that for almost 13 years. Once I was able to move out of debt and into what works for me. I was happy with where I am financially. I don’t live high off the hog.  I live a frugal simple life. I like nice things, but know how to shop and purchase on the dime…… I have placed my daughter’s college account on track, as it should have been 12 years ago, remember I did not have control of that.. It’s to bad because it could better today if it were. So I took care of that for her.  I know I need to do for her, and I think after all that has gone on with our lives over the past 5, 6 years I’ve done a pretty great job at it. The big win here is she has seen first hand how her Mumma has powered through and has taught her the importance of it.

Spiritually, I consider myself a recovering Catholic (don’t judge). I seek a higher power in a different way. Kinda like when Obi Won tells Luke about The Force “It’s an energy field created by all living things, surrounds us penetrates us and combines us all together”. ( https://youtu.be/x2YQJsbbWNA ) When I was about 12, my brother and I saw Star Wars for the first time. It was AWEsome! That scene at that time in my life, living and growing up Catholic, changed my entire thought process of religion.  Call it what you want, but there is some wisdom in with what Obi Won has to say about the Force we live in.  How we choose to live it…  Enough said there.

My Emotional relationship with myself is most likely for me the most important. I find for me it’s the core of my heart. We have to know what we want versus what we need, most importantly why.  Knowing who I am inside and out, loving who I am, being who I am for me. I am straight shooter kinda gal, I do not put tulips around anything, nor do I sugar coat anything. I am that lady who will say what everyone else wants to but with a lot of Grace.  Keep it real. Always keep it real…. You’ve read that before if you have kept up with me through my writing therapy sessions. So what does this mean basically, don’t hold back, share your feelings, be OK with that. After all it’s part of human nature to feel at some level. If you need to share it and you want to share, then by all means, Share! Once you can do that, and be honest, keep it real with who ever you are sharing with you. You will find something within yourself you might not have realized you had. A voice for your heart… It’s an amazing feeling… Give it a try you’ll see..

So here is what I know………………….

Now don’t get me wrong we all fall short in these areas. If you can look in the mirror and look into yourself. Smile about one of those relationships you have with yourself…..You can find it within yourself to find that great relationship with the others. When you do, you will find the best you, you can be!