Category: Relationships

The “Friend Zone” again.

Regina Phalange

“Friend Zoned” This statement is one so many just don’t want to be in. They feel so strongly about someone, think there is this connection, and chemistry. Only to discover this person they are romantically interested in, needs to be 100% sure, so they then put you in the “Friends Zone”. Because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, or give you the wrong impression, or lead you on. WTAF? Isn’t this what they are actually doing? Hanging out with you, getting to know you, talking playfully with you, flirting with you. Only to once again be told we we are “Friends” remember. BUZZZZ KILL at it’s finest. Now their reasoning behind it, is their past, they just don’t want to make the same mistake. So aaaaa are they thinking you could be their future mistake? No one is perfect, so how is it possible to make decisions based on their past experiences towards their future? Because they are holding their past in front of their future.

No wonder so many are cautious and guarded. I mean we need to be right? However, with that being said, we shouldn’t let our past dictate our future or present! If there is an opportunity knocking at your door, you should really open it up and let it in. Explore what is being put in front of you. Else that opportunity will pass you by and when you find yourself ready for the move, that opportunity is gone.

Timing…. Is NOT 1 sided, there are usually 2 people involved. It is not about one of you, who needs to be “sure” and it has to be on their “time”. How is that fair? It’s not, in any way, shape, or form. A relationship no matter what level or who it’s with, is about respect, of each others time. The best gift you can give anyone. So when you say it has to be on your time, quite frankly that is selfish, and completely one sided. So not fair to the other party involved. When they decided enough is enough, it won’t be on them, it will be you the one who wanted to be “sure”.

Even with all the chemistry and connection between you both, it’s a two sided street. Respect the signs, indeed, either merge together and explore the journey, or move on. Stop leading someone down a path that is going no where, especially when they know what they want, and what fills their cup and you know it. All you are doing is just that, leading them on.

Here is what I know….. Magic doesn’t happen often, life doesn’t always bring the right opportunity, timing is that…….timing, just don’t sit on the timing to long…. People aren’t desperate, just because they aren’t with someone, and you show up all of a sudden because you are ready. Remember they were ready way back when. You should have taken the opportunity when it was knocking at your door, but you chose to let them keep knocking.

When you get to a certain age, you just know…… When life presents you with magic, believe in it, it’s there for a reason.

Be open to listening.

Regina Phalange

Listen… Just sit back and listen…… Sometimes people just need to be heard……. Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with people, family, friends, whom ever and wanted to pipe in your thoughts………your opinions………..your beliefs? Most people will jump in and have to lay out the why’s, the what’s, the where’s and the when’s of the topic of conversation. No matter what their beliefs are. When all the other person wanted from you, was to just sit……..listen…….hear them……..understand their view point,………..and do not pass judgement.

We just want to be heard, we just want to use our voice, we just want respect on our views. Even if you don’t agree. I had the opportunity to socially distance with a couple friends during this interesting time
(COVID-19). Listening to their view points, and hearing them, hearing what they feel, what they see, how their emotional state has been. For me it was refreshing to give them a platform to speak, open up, hear them. It gives me a better perspective on their insight. I can be better for them because I listened to them….I heard them……and gave them the respect they deserve…. It truly made me feel better as their friend.

Here is what I know……. We all need to vent………………rant…….. be vocal about what is going on. Share our concerns about our feelings and how this is effecting us personally, and professionally, We need to feel a sense of togetherness without all the judgement. We need to be our best selves and together we can!

Never say can’t. Because we always can. Just try!

Be safe…Stay calm….Make good choices…. Wash your hands and often.

The struggle is so real…

Regina Phalange

The struggle is so real…… Here we go….. As we hope for real in our lives, sometimes the real is life and all that comes with it. Some good, some not so good, some that is completely unexpected. Enter the struggle with it all. We think life shouldn’t be so challenging, things shouldn’t be so hard, walking our path will have it’s struggles.

However when they are unexpected it takes a toll on our spirits, and can spin it in a way you didn’t think it might. Because we are suppose to be strong, independent, on track, positive, focused. Yet that unexpected takes over and your emotions are just flooded with more then you can handle.

A good friend of mine shared with me his struggles. As he shared what was going on with his life, his marriage, his children, his work, I could see he is on the brink of a break through from the negative. But still struggling with how things fell apart, where and when it happened. Yes he deserves answers. But what I shared with him was so simple and put a smile on his face. I said to him to stop wondering the why’s of it all and start focusing on the change within. Look deep into himself, see the good, the bad and the ugly and find the change. It’s there you just have to have a little faith in yourself.

He was grateful for the “what I know” soap box, and told me you are right, every little thing is going to be alright….

Here is what I know… Take comfort in you… What you are capable of, what your abilities will allow you to do and where your spirit, your mind and your heart can take you! Just “Be Still” it will happen…..You will see….

The past….The present…..The Future

Regina Phalange

The past, the present, the future…….. It’s like a revolving door, they all come back around. What we thought was in our past, presents it’s self again and presses us think about the future.  Recently someone shared a story with me about just this. She felt/feels she is between a rock and a hard place. She most definitely knows she has to let the past go, and just live in the present and let the future happen. As hard as it was, she knew if he really wanted to be there after all this time, he would maybe find a way. Maybe they will cross paths yet once again. I mean in the 5 years they  knew of each other, timing got in their way, each time their paths crossed something was in the way. Yet this last time is different, very different. All she can do is let it play out, being mindful of pressure, pushing, being sensitive to the situation. Just let it play out.

Here is what I know…….

Sometimes we just have to let things go and be OK with that. We just have to wait and see what the path offers.  Even if it means loosing what was, what is and what could be. We just can’t wait around, for someone, anyone. Time is the best gift we can give ourselves and anyone. So we have to keep moving on into our days and embrace what life has presented to us.

Letting go…….Holding on……Letting go…….Holding on………

Regina Phalange

Neither are easy……….When it comes to that someone……..

Over the past many months my girlfriend thought she had moved on……gotten over him. Who was she kidding?
She hadn’t see him in months, a few text messages here and there. One day she found herself sitting 2 seats away from him at the movies without her knowing this. After the show she discovered he was there. They chatted a little parted ways, she found herself sending him a message to meet to chat. He had given her the yes let’s try message. Only not hear from him……

One day she decided she need to let go….. So since he wasn’t giving her an opportunity to just have a face to face conversation. She simply wanted to tell him what was never said, what she needed to share with him. When they last saw each other, there was no closure, nothing. He had too much life going on he just couldn’t manage anything, or anyone else. She knew this was ok, she wasn’t going to stalk him, she wasn’t going to chase, and she knew she had to let him go… He had to go and manage his life…. Fast forward months later she was given an opportunity to finally tell him everything she needed to tell him.

When they finally met, she told him she knew why he needed to do what he needed to do. Even though she knew he didn’t mean to break her heart. He did that, he broke her heart. She needed him to know this, she needed him to know she knew it wasn’t intentional. She just needed him to know what she had been through. She needed him to know that when she saw him at the movies she knew she was still in love with him. As nervous as she was, the minute she expressed all of what she felt and needed to say. It was as though she opened her window and her soul flew free. She claims it was an amazing feeling…

Where are they now….. All they know is everything is out on the table. She knows his playing field, he knows hers. All that can be done at this point, is to let the wind take them to their next cloud…..

Here is what I know………..

Being able to tell the one you love exactly what is on your mind, even though you may not be together, gives you more control over your emotions, feelings and heart. Stay cautious and guarded………..Our hearts are tender…
Protect it, play it safe, keep it real! Always!

 

 

Games….Life…….

Regina Phalange

It’s interesting to stop and think about the games people can play and will play.

Not once stopping to think of who they’re hurting, who they’re disappointing, who they’re letting down. When one plays the vulnerability game on someone it becomes a challenge. With no regards to the pawn you are playing with. It is truly sad that people feel that this type of behavior is okay. Why are we all in the bitter barn?????…..It’s because of these games that others play upon each other. Thinking that it’s OK……Imagine if you could what it’s be like to the ensconced with someone who’s on the same page.  Not taking advantage of your vulnerability or judging your sincerity on how you’re handling being real and honest.
A good friend of mine found this game being played in her most recent past. She found herself falling for someone but didn’t want feelings to be involved and thought the physical side of it would be all she would want. He was very much the same way. That is what he told her anyway. Over the course of many months he distances himself but still put the carrot out for her to nibble on. Playing with her vulnerability being upset with her because well he wasn’t asking her out and other people were. Which in his eyes was wrong because he had told her how he felt. But had no action behind it. She cast her feelings aside as best ahw could however her vulnerability still opened up and he took advantage of that.
She discovered he was probably sharing the same feelings about how he felt with other women. And when approached he of course tried to twist and turn the scenario on her. Attempting her to feel the wrong doing was on her, and not on him, he was/is playing with her emotions, her vulnerability. Finally she had enough, especially when she discovered he had been misleading her for months on end.  So when he reached out she took a stance! The difference this time is that she isn’t allowing him to take her vulnerability. Playing with it the way he sees fit on how the game should come out in the long run and that’s really to benefit him. And on his time and what he wants.
Unfortunately for him karma karma karma doesn’t like it when you don’t follow the rules.  Be careful  here people.. Karma will find you…..
 I won’t get into the karma piece because I’m sure we as adults can read into that. We know it does come back to bite you, haunt you. There are no shortcuts in life. Some of us just figure things out sooner than others , so if you want to call that a shortcut sure………….. And so what she is left with is a stronger wall of being guarded, cautious with everybody around her. Why is she so harsh with circumstances and bitter with others. With that wall solid as a rock in the wonderful world of dating?
Unfortunately I don’t have the answer…..
But here is what I know………. if we are going to look at dating like a board game then maybe people should play games by the rules and be respectful of how those rules are played.  Know that there are consequences that will come with the wrong move……. know that no matter whether you win or lose everybody is a winner if the game is played right….

She always finds a way to surprise me….

Regina Phalange

I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!!!!

It’s been sometime since Regina has had some words of wisdom and what she knows…  When you least expect it……

Discovery!!!

I found her (my daughter SMR) message on a blank canvas…

This makes my heart smile…. This makes me happy.

I asked her when she did this and asked her why… She told me, you left your computer open, after your last blog, a while ago. And I wanted to let you know..

I love you………..

Here is what I know….

Always know even though parents are everywhere in their children s’ lives. They are right there with us. Always!

I LOVE YOU TOO SMR!!!!!!!

 

When it happens..

Regina Phalange

How do you know? You know when it happens… You will know…That moment you know you have fallen in love.

Recently someone shared with me the moment………..they knew. Her description was so full of happy, I could feel it for her.

As we become wiser with age, we know or at least we should  know what we want and need. So why waste time if it’s right in front of you? You shouldn’t, nor should you let anyone tell you otherwise.  They haven’t or are walking in your shoes.

For both it seemed to happen early on. How did she know……..for him at least that,  it seemed to be from of the comments he had made. She knew she needed to be very cautious and guarded. Since it had been almost 15 years since she actually felt the falling in love part.  After they started seeing each other, she sensed something different about how she felt.  There was no games, there was no BS, there was just real open honesty. Sharing what the other was seeking and searching for. Learning to understand the quirks they both noticed of the other. Listening to what the other had to say, sharing about their day, their kids, their life so to speak. This was something they both realized neither had in a very long time. The edification was something he was not used to.  She is a believer in edifying someone, building people up, is key in her world. It’s what helps makes us a better person inside and out.

After a few weeks it seemed words were being said, just not the actual I have fallen in love with you words. She didn’t want to jump on verbiage just yet. As most of us know, we need to be sure we are sensing what the other is, ya know the same page thing. What’s nerve racking about it, is that what if it’s one sided, what if one is fully there and the other is not. And you are the one who is and share how you feel only to be let down……..Hello people this is the risk we must be OK with taking when we begin and continue through a relationship. Tip your toes into the water, and then take those next steps. You have to so you know where you are heading.

And sooooo… One evening he made a comment to her about how he could feel that it was love. She was taken aback by it. Yet before she could even respond, a distraction came into play. The conversation was left up in the air. The next day after milling over how they got to that conversation, she was overwhelmed with emotions that she hadn’t felt in years. It brought this fluttery feeling within her, this sensation of happy feelings that took over her day. Enough to where she allowed herself to float along with the feelings all day long. She knew what it was……….she knew she had fallen in love with this man. When they finally had the opportunity to have the discussion, she was prepared. He beat her to the punch, yes this is where it get good, mushy, romantic, magical. They shared their day with each other as she prepared dinner, moved move into the evening and the moment hit, she went to get him a beverage and she turned around and there he was. He took her face in his hands softly, looked deep in her eyes and said “I have fallen in love with you”. She was over joyed with emotions, she looked back at him and smiled and took a deep slow breath and said “I have fallen in love with you too”.

Sharing with each other how they had been feeling for sometime but both being very guarded and cautious about it. As not to scare the other away…. Tip toeing around the subject until the moment, timing was right….

So here is what I know….

If it is meant to happen…….let it…….. don’t what if it.. People come into our lives for a reason, short term, long term whatever the case may be, we encounter people everyday. They are there for a reason….  Embrace it and let it take you were it may and don’t question it. You might find them to be just what you needed and had been searching for the whole time.

 

 

Do you have a good relationship with yourself?

Regina Phalange

Well do you? It all starts there.

I read a great book about 15 years ago called “Social Gathering, in Pursuit of the Perfect Relationship” SG No it’s not about the Perfect Relationship with a man, or a women. It’s about having the perfect relationship with yourself, before you can with someone else. So this book got me thinking on a few levels of the relationships we have with ourselves. Do you have a good emotional, physical, spiritual, financial relationship with yourself? Sometimes we go through phases on all levels of each of these. Now of course when we have all 4 at the same time, it’s amazing how good you feel your life and you are.

Through this discovery myself I can pinpoint right now when it happened for me.  No it wasn’t years ago, no it wasn’t after my divorce, nor was it yesterday.  It came when things starting falling into place for me. When I could stop and think about for example my physical relationship with myself. I’m not a skinny mini (nor would I want to be), I’m not obese, I’m not perfect by any means, but I look in the mirror and physically feel good about what I see in that mirror. I work hard with the body I have been given, I pay attention to what my genetics are ( have since I was about 18). I know being active is something I will always have to incorporate in my life. By the way working out for me is like therapy, truly it is! I used to hate having to go to the gym. Now I look forward to my 60-90 minute therapy sessions 5-6 days a week. Okay back to the discussion….. I feel good about the skin I am in, I embrace what I see, what I feel about the women standing in front of me in the mirror.

And so with that, I thought about other area’s I seek to….. After my divorce I found control of my finances, finally… yes someone else had control of that for almost 13 years. Once I was able to move out of debt and into what works for me. I was happy with where I am financially. I don’t live high off the hog.  I live a frugal simple life. I like nice things, but know how to shop and purchase on the dime…… I have placed my daughter’s college account on track, as it should have been 12 years ago, remember I did not have control of that.. It’s to bad because it could better today if it were. So I took care of that for her.  I know I need to do for her, and I think after all that has gone on with our lives over the past 5, 6 years I’ve done a pretty great job at it. The big win here is she has seen first hand how her Mumma has powered through and has taught her the importance of it.

Spiritually, I consider myself a recovering Catholic (don’t judge). I seek a higher power in a different way. Kinda like when Obi Won tells Luke about The Force “It’s an energy field created by all living things, surrounds us penetrates us and combines us all together”. ( https://youtu.be/x2YQJsbbWNA ) When I was about 12, my brother and I saw Star Wars for the first time. It was AWEsome! That scene at that time in my life, living and growing up Catholic, changed my entire thought process of religion.  Call it what you want, but there is some wisdom in with what Obi Won has to say about the Force we live in.  How we choose to live it…  Enough said there.

My Emotional relationship with myself is most likely for me the most important. I find for me it’s the core of my heart. We have to know what we want versus what we need, most importantly why.  Knowing who I am inside and out, loving who I am, being who I am for me. I am straight shooter kinda gal, I do not put tulips around anything, nor do I sugar coat anything. I am that lady who will say what everyone else wants to but with a lot of Grace.  Keep it real. Always keep it real…. You’ve read that before if you have kept up with me through my writing therapy sessions. So what does this mean basically, don’t hold back, share your feelings, be OK with that. After all it’s part of human nature to feel at some level. If you need to share it and you want to share, then by all means, Share! Once you can do that, and be honest, keep it real with who ever you are sharing with you. You will find something within yourself you might not have realized you had. A voice for your heart… It’s an amazing feeling… Give it a try you’ll see..

So here is what I know………………….

Now don’t get me wrong we all fall short in these areas. If you can look in the mirror and look into yourself. Smile about one of those relationships you have with yourself…..You can find it within yourself to find that great relationship with the others. When you do, you will find the best you, you can be!