Category: Sage Advise

Breakups……..

Regina Phalange
Dawn Ristow <dawn.ristow@gmail.com>6:10 PM (0 minutes ago)
to me

Break Ups…. Weather they be with a boyfriend or girlfriend or just a friend are never easy. After it happens you sit, you ponder in it…..and ponder in it…..and ponder in it. Why? Because you are human, and have emotions that we can’t always control. Do you think what could I have done differently? Do you think boy I should have seen that coming? Do you think what is it I did wrong? Do you think maybe it’s for the best. Do you think eventually they are going to be found out and will be called out on their  BS.
Once you get past the thinking and are able to have clear vision and it doesn’t linger in the back of your mind will they be back?


A good friend of mine shared with me recently a break up that she went through. Wasn’t even really a break up. It was more of a expression of honesty that led to her friend completely ignoring her ghosting her more or less.  Effective communication is so important and any and all relationships. It’s not always going to be good it’s not always going to be bad. It’s not always going to be bells and whistles. Just simply have regards for the other person’s emotions.


Unfortunately my friend thought  she had effective communication was happening. Honesty keeping things real, is exactly what both of these people boasted about. It’s what made their relationship real. At least that what she thought. Then one day my friend was sucker punched. So to speak. She discovered something about her friend….that they clearly they had been lying for some time. They weren’t honest, they weren’t open and they took the vulnerability my friend was able to share and sucker punched her.


Now fortunately my friend is strong enough to take that and say no more. What’s most interesting is that when she revealed complete and utter honesty She had discovered after that that this person had been lying. That most likely they had been lying for some time The good thing is  My friend did not reach back out to this so called friend to lay it on the line. She decided it wasn’t worth the time the energy or the efforts.


What she did do was mark her calendar.  She marked her calendar because the pattern of behavior of this friend like so many others is that they’ll be back.  Thinking that their secret is hidden deep and because time will have pasted and no one will know the wiser. When and if this so called friend reaches back out to her in a few months she will take the opportunity meet with them and effectively communicate the lies that she discovered.
What will this do for her. It will give her the satisfaction of having complete, utter clear vision and closure.

Here is what I know…If you cannot be honest with somebody keep your mouth shut. Leave that person and anyone else be. Don’t spout about wanting complete honesty when you can’t be honest yourself..
Because liars always are found out…

Interesting Hallmark…

Regina Phalange

Don’t you feel sometimes you are living and breathing a Hallmark movie? ……….Come on….. you know you have at one time or another. Being the worst Hallmark Movie ever. Yet you got through it.

A few friends of mine shared their Hallmarks with me. A couple of them single, a couple of them married…………both being in very different places in their lives as far as relationships……….wanting one……..and/or……… staying as far away as possible from it as the other could. And another friends relationship is on steady waters……….
Both in need of education of needs and wants………
Leaving dismay, questions, life, love in a little bit of a storm AKA
Their Season and Reason.

None of this is rocket science my friends. It’s simple words of expression, you know Communication….effective Communication!

Being single myself I completely understand all of this! Being in these seasons in my life and trying to figure out what to do. Will it make sense if I do it this way, or better that way? What if there is judgement? Will others think it’s drama? With all this turmoil of thought………….why would anyone want such a Hallmark? Why……..because we are human, we are meant to be with someone. It’s really OK to admit this. It’s best to actually communicate this concept. The challenge here, is the one you want to communicate with, are they open to it? Most are not, for fear of hearing the honest truth. Most just can’t handle the truth because it means looking in the mirror. Finding themselves in a space of their life they might not be to pleased with and have never figured out how to manage it….so it’s less painful.

The downside is most just don’t know how to/or understand how to communicate effectively. They’ve most likely never been given such an opportunity………………their shining moment to do just that………..effectively communicate!
So they judge….they question…..they aren’t honest……….open………….or even true to themselves. Those individuals are those who loose themselves in a cloud running in circles only seeing the same result. Because they are challenged with changing this cycle…………………….they will continue to run in the same circles only seeing the same results………..

Here is what I know…..
Communication is KEY in any and all relationships. Stop thinking otherwise. Even if it hurts you, angers you, makes you want to pull the hair out of your head or gives you great feelings of joy, laughter, love….. It is the key to magic that lies ahead. You just have to try……and try again……..and maybe some more…..

Just try……. You’ll feel better knowing that you did. Maybe not right off the bat…….but you will.

Is 80% right?

Regina Phalange

I recently had a conversation with one of my guy friends at the gym. Matt’s perspective on dating is interesting. He has shared a few of his stories in the world of dating from his point of view. He’s a lay it out as he sees it kinda of guy. To concerned once upon a time ago what others thought about him, trying to impress women only to discover, he wasn’t impressed. He was to a point in his life with dating that he was just over it. To many games, to many not confident enough in themselves. To many full of drama, to many who didn’t have goals. Just to many that shouldn’t be out there dating, until they fixed themselves. That’s when Matt decided to just that for himself. He focused more on himself first, not his kids. He discovered the only way he could be good for his his kids, was to be good to himself first. He had to be the priority, not his kids. Once he found acceptance with himself and felt himself change in a way that was comfortable for him, he liked who he discovered. Truly a better him

He has since found love again and is engaged. He tells me 80% of men don’t approach women. We are to scared, nervous, get anxiety about it, are afraid of rejection, don’t want to show their vulnerability. What ever that is, 80% of men just don’t approach women. Interesting perspective, so at least there is 20% who do approach women, right? Of course, those men who are confident, what % of them are real? Not just full of themselves. I suppose we could put women into this category, however what would the % be? Today women are more straight forward. The % may be different…….just a bit. Regardless this leaves me in wonder, will those who are single, remain single because of this?

Here is what I know………

If you want to approach someone, just do it. After all…………………………….. their opinion about you is none of your business.

The past….The present…..The Future

Regina Phalange

The past, the present, the future…….. It’s like a revolving door, they all come back around. What we thought was in our past, presents it’s self again and presses us think about the future.  Recently someone shared a story with me about just this. She felt/feels she is between a rock and a hard place. She most definitely knows she has to let the past go, and just live in the present and let the future happen. As hard as it was, she knew if he really wanted to be there after all this time, he would maybe find a way. Maybe they will cross paths yet once again. I mean in the 5 years they  knew of each other, timing got in their way, each time their paths crossed something was in the way. Yet this last time is different, very different. All she can do is let it play out, being mindful of pressure, pushing, being sensitive to the situation. Just let it play out.

Here is what I know…….

Sometimes we just have to let things go and be OK with that. We just have to wait and see what the path offers.  Even if it means loosing what was, what is and what could be. We just can’t wait around, for someone, anyone. Time is the best gift we can give ourselves and anyone. So we have to keep moving on into our days and embrace what life has presented to us.

Complete Expression…..

Regina Phalange

When we can do this, share complete expression……….One can actually experience that moment. Where you open your eyes…………..you take a deep breath, and you feel the smile come across your face, your mind and your heart.
It comes on many levels.

I experienced this over the past handful of weeks. Found myself ensconced with being able to have “Complete Expression” with those from my past. Most important I was then able to walk away and not look back. Maybe it was their conscious finally getting to them. Perhaps they just needed to find their own “Complete Expression”. Mostly they gave me the opportunity to have my own “Complete Expression”. What is most important is that I was able to let so much go! Walk away and be completely ok. It was a pretty amazing feeling. These people know they deserved to hear everything that was needed to be said. I suppose my hope is that they hear what they said, and that they listened to what I had to Completely Express what was on my mind, in my heart and what needed to be said…. Complete Expression!

Here is what I know……

Nothing more gratifying then being able to tell someone what is riddling in your mind, expressing your emotional and vulnerable side.

Knowing you’ve said all you needed to say, “Complete Expression.”

 

Games….Life…….

Regina Phalange

It’s interesting to stop and think about the games people can play and will play.

Not once stopping to think of who they’re hurting, who they’re disappointing, who they’re letting down. When one plays the vulnerability game on someone it becomes a challenge. With no regards to the pawn you are playing with. It is truly sad that people feel that this type of behavior is okay. Why are we all in the bitter barn?????…..It’s because of these games that others play upon each other. Thinking that it’s OK……Imagine if you could what it’s be like to the ensconced with someone who’s on the same page.  Not taking advantage of your vulnerability or judging your sincerity on how you’re handling being real and honest.
A good friend of mine found this game being played in her most recent past. She found herself falling for someone but didn’t want feelings to be involved and thought the physical side of it would be all she would want. He was very much the same way. That is what he told her anyway. Over the course of many months he distances himself but still put the carrot out for her to nibble on. Playing with her vulnerability being upset with her because well he wasn’t asking her out and other people were. Which in his eyes was wrong because he had told her how he felt. But had no action behind it. She cast her feelings aside as best ahw could however her vulnerability still opened up and he took advantage of that.
She discovered he was probably sharing the same feelings about how he felt with other women. And when approached he of course tried to twist and turn the scenario on her. Attempting her to feel the wrong doing was on her, and not on him, he was/is playing with her emotions, her vulnerability. Finally she had enough, especially when she discovered he had been misleading her for months on end.  So when he reached out she took a stance! The difference this time is that she isn’t allowing him to take her vulnerability. Playing with it the way he sees fit on how the game should come out in the long run and that’s really to benefit him. And on his time and what he wants.
Unfortunately for him karma karma karma doesn’t like it when you don’t follow the rules.  Be careful  here people.. Karma will find you…..
 I won’t get into the karma piece because I’m sure we as adults can read into that. We know it does come back to bite you, haunt you. There are no shortcuts in life. Some of us just figure things out sooner than others , so if you want to call that a shortcut sure………….. And so what she is left with is a stronger wall of being guarded, cautious with everybody around her. Why is she so harsh with circumstances and bitter with others. With that wall solid as a rock in the wonderful world of dating?
Unfortunately I don’t have the answer…..
But here is what I know………. if we are going to look at dating like a board game then maybe people should play games by the rules and be respectful of how those rules are played.  Know that there are consequences that will come with the wrong move……. know that no matter whether you win or lose everybody is a winner if the game is played right….

2018 Live the best life you know how!

Regina Phalange

As the old year came to an end, and the new year flows into traffic, how ya doing so far?

Sometimes just when we think we are ok………yea we aren’t. Back into old habits, chasing something that doesn’t make sense, hoping for change… The question to ask yourself is this, did you live the best life you could this past year? Honestly did you? Most can say they did not, some can say they tried, which means what? We took the wrong fork in the road. The path we thought made the most sense really turned out to be more not worth the effort. Or it just wasn’t as we had thought, or dreamed it could be.

Here is what I know……

Live the best life you know how. Even for that moment, take it one step, one minute, one day, at a time. Nothing in life comes easy, most likely you’ll hit many walls. Don’t let that keep you from trying again, and again, and again.

Live the best life you know how. Only you can!

The heart knows what it wants……

Regina Phalange

Even when we think we know what we want.

It’s really what our heart is telling us….what we want….

After being away from someone for some time, in hopes to get over them, they are still on your mind. When you drift off to sleep, when you wake up, when you hear their name, when something happens around you that reminds you of them. That’s the heart…..It knows what it wants and what you need.

But just jumping back into it, thinking maybe that person feels the same way without any notion what they are really feeling. Could mean happiness, love, a connection, disappointment, hurt, sadness, a whole slue of emotions that you thought you had control of. Well you might, and you might not. People come and go in our lives, some leave a lasting impression that is hard to let go of. Even when we know it’s the best thing we should do for ourselves. So we keep these emotions in check and make sure not to do something like send an oopsss text, or a butt dial, or re-reading old text messages, in hopes to maybe hold on to something that is no longer there.

Listen if it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. It’s really all about timing….

Delete those old text message,s even the photos, anything to help you just get over them, and be able to feel as though you are at the very least moving on.  By not having these things to go back to, will help, it will. It’s a liberating feeling to do this and know you have some control over that piece of the letting go.  Now with that being said we all know they come back. Some take longer then others to come back. But at some level they all come back. With that being said, don’t hold out to much hope though. Why waist your time? You have an amazing LIFE to Live, so go do it! Don’t wait around.  If they do come back, think long and hard, why they left or why you let them go. And ask yourself this, are they worth the effort to give them time to share with you what they want now? Only you will know.

Here is what I know……

Live your life! Don’t wait around for anyone… You are the only person you have to answer to. You are the one looking at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Don’t let the past dictate how you are feeling today. Get over it already! Or at the very least, attempt to meet new people and rediscover yourself. You might be surprised what you find! The you, that has always been there!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The s***storms of life….

Regina Phalange

Don’t let them push you away from someone or something that could be an amazing opportunity for you and for them.

So when I was going through my s***storm of life, there was no man strong enough to stand next to me, to just hold me, to just tell me they were there to listen if I needed to vent. Nope there sure wasn’t (and that’s ok, it is a lot to take on), there were even friends who weren’t strong enough to just stand by me and support me. They all looked at my s***storm as drama…………it was not drama…….it was a lot of life happening in a very short period of time. Divorce, custody study, 3 different audits with my business, 3 different surgeries, a couple arm issues, lower back and neck problems add in 2 serious illness at the same time, yea a lot of life going on in under 2.5 years.  It’s challenging enough to go through alone, even more so if someone is next to you trying to understand and walk in your shoes. They can’t! They shouldn’t even try. All they could do is just listen, be there for you when a venting session is needed and zero judgement! There is enough of that in this world, you don’t need it in yours in your time of need.  Especially from someone you love, a friend or family member. Let’s do what we were taught in kindergarten, keep your mouth shut and ears wide open and listen……..

What I learned through that process was that I became stronger and knew that if I were to come across somebody male or female I would be strong enough to stand by their side. Because I had lived through what in my mind were many horrific experiences in a short period of time. Knowing that I had the strength to  get through what I did and that eventually there would be light at the end of the tunnel. I am living proof that when you hit rock bottom and you fall between the crevices of that rock bottom you have to simply look up, grab that rope and tie a knot and start climbing back up.

You may get knocked out again, and again, and again and yes again. However when you look within yourself you find the strength and see that little glimmer of light and know eventually things seem to work their way out.

Some just aren’t strong enough to stand by that person and say I’m just here for you if you need me.  Truly understand that it’s not drama………it’s life!

Why would you push anyone aside because they have life happening? That person could very well be the person who needs to be in your life at that time and then some!  Don’t short sell them because they have a little or a lot of life happening.

So here is what I know….

Keep in mind always we all have life around us. There is so much so many don’t know about what we have going on. There is so much many can’t understand. No matter what life happenings are going on, remember this, you aren’t walking in their shoes, you have no idea, so stop judging already! Drama is drama, if you haven’t figured out what drama is………compared to what life is, then you are living under a rock. Stop, listen, learn, understand the difference…..You’ll thank me later!

 

 

Never give advice.. Just tell them what you know….

Regina Phalange

Here is what I  know……………………………

When someone says to you, what do you think? …..what would you do?…. Stop.. don’t be quick to respond…..Take a deep breath and just share with them what you know…. It’s by no means giving advice.  It’s sharing what you might have gone trough, or someone you know that has gone through something.