Category: Sage Advise

Letting go….

Regina Phalange

Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to let go? That is if you are strong enough to do so. Are you? Can you let go……..

Recently a friend shared her moment of letting go. Only to discover when she was ready to step off the ledge, and land softly. The unexpected happened. He came back within hours of her letting go of him, the idea of him, telling him………she was letting him go. What she discovered was that he can’t seem to get past the idea of her.  Here is what she did.

She took time to write out exactly what she needed to tell him. She kept it very real, very honest, and on point.

She knew it was time to tell the person she had been seeing here and there how she felt and that things had changed for her. She knew it would be hard, and so writing it out was her way of making sure she got her point across. Expressing how she knew what it was in the beginning, but now over time how it felt different. She knew she had developed feelings for this person. She knew she no longer wanted to be just friends.. She simply stated she wanted more…eventually……… she wasn’t sure if more even meant with him. But the idea was that she was and is ready for more in her life. She has no drama, she is stable in her career, the path her life is heading is clear and she is ready to welcome someone in it. To share things with, to do things with, to just be with. More so then just a friend. And so she shared with this person exactly how she felt, knowing she may never hear from them again,….. She expressed to them she was OK with that outcome. She knew she needed to be. This way, it would allow her to let go….. She opened up her window and let her soul fly free.

When she sent this, she took a deep breath, stepped off the ledge and landed softly. What happened next came much to her surprise….

This person contacted her right away the next day. She was quite taken aback by it. This person asked her if she was breaking up with them? She didn’t realize they had anything to break up from.  This person asked her if she needed them to step up, be there more often, yada yada and yada.  Of course she told them, and what about what she had sent did they not understand? Games and BS is something she (or any of us) has time for. He asked her weeks prior not to give up on him, that she was the only one he wanted to be with. That he hasn’t been with anyone else. He asked her what she missed about him.. Comments and questions that he put out there. She had shared with him what she was feeling, but knew she needed to share more, hence her letting go.  This was why she needed to put this out there. If this person could step up, and actually follow through, if this person would just simply give into trusting what he knows he feels. He may very well find that she could be just what he has been seeking the entire time. When he came around he told her yes, I am up for that, I will step up.  I can commit to more time, I can commit to following through. You are who I want to be with……..

yea no……………………..to good to be true…

Unfortunately this didn’t last… A plan was in place and guess what…..he failed, under his own terms. So she made it clear she knows his playing field, she told him what her playing field is. She is still about that, accepts it. He just can’t find acceptance in her truth. Which in turn makes it all the more challenging for her. She told him your just not ready for me in your life. When you can find acceptance in this, you know where to find me. With that being said it doesn’t mean she would still be available.  So she let him ago, again, she gave him an out.  At this point thinking now she’d really not hear from him.  WRONG he contacted her again. I’m like did this person even read what you sent him? Does he think just because he is dangling himself in front of you that you’ll rethink what you expressed. CLEARLY that is exactly what he is thinking. So with that she changed her approach and found strength to lay it right there on the line a 3rd and last time and asked him to please not contact her anymore.

He has some learning to do, he has some growing to do, he has to find it within himself to accept that his past is that, his past. (she knows he has had a bad experience with commitment and trust). He needs to stop allowing it to hold people at bay. A great opportunity is right in front of him and he knows it. If he didn’t, well he wouldn’t keep coming back. She is the real deal, perhaps he is scared and isn’t ready for something real. Perhaps this is why he continues to reach out to her but yet keep her at arms length because he is scared of the possibility. Only he knows……

All she can do, is power through, and be still…….

So here is what I know….. For my dear friend I told her, letting go is hard….. Being still about it is harder.. Find the strength to let it go…..When you can do this, you will be able to open up your window and let your soul fly free.

 

What do you believe? What can you believe?

Regina Phalange

What do you believe? What can you believe?
Ever find yourself challenged with this question when it comes to someone? Of course you are. Especially in the early stage of trying to figure out if they are who we might want them to be with and who we want to be with.

In the begging stages of what ever it is we enter into with someone, we ask ourselves these 2 questions (in some fashion) What do we believe? What can we believe? See if someone seems to good to be true, are they? Or aren’t they? We want to feel and believe what someone is telling us is real.
Now step back to when it all started. Think about first and foremost, what was it when you started. What was the playing field of this whatever kind of relationship you are having with this person?
Was it just to go out and have fun????………………..I mean after all it was comfortable so why not just leave it at that….Sure keep telling yourself that…….In the beginning maybe that is  how it was to be played. .

But what happens when it’s past a certain time frame… How long do we wait until we realize hang on, how long have we been doing this now, 4, 5, 6, 7 months.. OK wait, is it more then what it was, when it started? And why am I asking myself this? Could it be that there are feelings that startedo develop? ……..Scary…………………………yes….why? Well because it could be one sided… Then there is the question should I tell the other how I feel?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes you should… If you feel something more then what it was when it all started then YES you need to find strength and share. Regardless of what you think the outcome is going to be.  You have NO idea what the outcome is going to be, unless you have a magic crystal ball that gives you all the answers. If that is the case then why are you even reading this? Because clearly you and it, that magic crystal ball have all the answers…. Let’s keep it real people. You will never know until you put it out there. If all it was suppose to be was fun and what not, and that person calls you out on it. OWN IT!!! And tell them, hey I”m just keeping it real. I am being honest and need to share how I feel about this now.

Oddly enough this person may completely disappear.  So be it. Keep in mind 90% of them come back. Could be for a variety of reasons. They think maybe your not with someone and you will  give in to them.. Don’t be that person and give in. You are stronger then that! YES YOU ARE!

or….

They could realize you are the real deal and need to take a better look at what you said and what quite possibly have lost.  Enough time has past and they see a bigger picture.

or……

They could realize they need to just give it a shot. Because their absence has made them recognize you, were/are what  they very well could be looking for.

Now with that being said, some may be defensive about it. Yes this happens…… because all it was suppose to be was hanging out and fun.
Sure you were good with that when it started..Yet something happened….Things, feelings happen. Don’t push them away, own it!

They will bark and balk about how you are over thinking things.  They will suggest that you aren’t at all who you put yourself out there to be when it all started.
See the thing is when we spend time with people, especially those you are intrigued with, we tend to find ourselves attaching to them more. We tend to think of them more often. We tend to a lot of things about them….. So you might have been ok with how you both agreed it to be in the beginning. However for you now, yes it’s different and that is OK.

Or that you are hot one minute and cold the next. This is OK as well.
If you are little crazed by the wonder of this person….aaahhhh this is why you should share!
Do not let them make you feel badly, guilty about keeping it real for yourself.

They are simply not at all comfortable with themselves.  Nor do they have a good relationship with themselves.

Remember this therapy blog session?
https://and-here-we-are.com/do-you-have-a-good-relationship-with-yourself/

If you haven’t read it, please do.. It may help shed some light on the topic.

After all you are only human, and with that comes emotions. We as humans need to express ourselves…Keeping it all bottled up does you no good. If someone can’t handle that, then move on! But for you at least you then will know you needed, that was/is to be open, honest, and real!

So here is what I know……..

Don’t back down on who you are. Don’t let someone take over who you are. Do Not Own Their Drama!!!
Always know what you want, who you are, what you need, how you feel. Give yourself a expectation.

 

When we fall….

Regina Phalange

How do you fall???

In the moment/s…

In Lust….

In love…

No matter what it is, when we fall, it can and will have many different outcomes. We may only be looking for one outcome, but don’t be surprised if it’s nothing as you had thought it could be. We don’t have a magic crystal ball to see into the future. We can’t control what will happen when we fall in the moment, in lust or in love.  We have to simply open up our window and left our soul fly free.

When the moment strikes us it does come out of no where, it’s that moment someone smiles at you in that way, that makes your heart skip a beat or 3. It’s that moment you notice them leaning in to breath in just how good you smell and you notice it and they are glad you did. It’s that moment you both feel that chemistry, that connection. It’s that moment you know you want to taste their lips and feel their skin. It’s that moment when you are ready to fall asleep and wake up and they are what/who seems to be on your mind. It’s that moment you get a text or a phone call from them that makes your heart smile. It’s that moment they share something from their childhood that is special to them. It’s that moment they listen to you. It’s that moment when you look into each others eyes and you both just know…….

Lustful thoughts…… sensual lustful thoughts…It’s that moment you stop and think of them and you feel the energy of being with them sore through your body. It’s that moment they touch your skin you feel it from head to toe. It’s that moment you want to take them and do what you have discussed for weeks and just go with it. It’s that moment when your eyes roll to the back of your head and you are in the moment and just let go. It’s that moment where you allow yourself to be vulnerable to this person and they are with you. It’s that moment where each others fantasies comes to life.  It’s that moment when you look into each others eyes and you both just know.

In love…..This isn’t something to tread lightly. It’s that moment it hits you like a brick. It’s those moments you can’t stop thinking about them. It’s the moment our friend calls you out on it, and asks. you fell in love didn’t you? And you were trying to be quite about it. It clearly didn’t work.  It’s that moment you feel you shouldn’t give up. It’s that moment they ask you not to give up on them. It’s that moment they say you are who I want to be with. It’s that moment they say you are the only one I want. It’s that moment you look into each others eyes and you both just know.

Love, Lust, Moment/s they strike you from no where…

So…..Here is what I know…..

Take the chance of something that could be your amazing…

 

Reflection……

Regina Phalange

Over the past few days I have found reflection in so much around me. I needed to express about.. You know rage on the page.

This will be the first year, in many, many years I will be alone. Not literally, but without my stations, my little mini me, my most dear best friend and her little stations, my other great friends, my family (my immediate family live in Iowa, Wisconsin, California, Texas, Florida, Minnesota). This year my close stations, my family………… will not be around to give thanks with each other. As I reflect on that I think about what I could do, what I might do, what I want to do, mostly what I can do……. No…….. you won’t find me having a lonesome pitty party. No…………. not to sit at home under a cozy blanket and over indulge on NetFlix and consume what I could say more Vodka/Tonics/3 Limes then I ever would or want to…..

However that is not what is going to happen.

In my life I find myself being still……a lot………. Meaning…… I know to gather all the information before reacting. I know to just listen… I know when to lead a helpful banter…. I know when someone needs someone…. Simply to just help….. Yes I put myself out there……. Never expecting anything in return….. I do this because I want to…  It helps me to be still…. To reflect on what is in front of me. It’s for one person’s benefit…Mine.. I find peace, understanding and a great sense of being still… Reflection……

I am pretty sure most of us do not think about reflection in helping others. As a means to being still.. Letting that feeling of being able to just put yourself out there to assist one person who at that moment can’t find it in themselves to just be still….

Here is what I know…. I am so Thankful that people allow me to help them, assist them, listen to them, be there for them, as I can, do and want to……

Try it………….

 

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Keep putting yourself out there…….

Regina Phalange

Don’t stop. No matter what scenario you are in, feel, express, share, mostly Live….. Never stop……

Put yourself out there. It’s part of what we need to do, to feel as humans. That no matter who, where, when we share it with. We at the very least can and NEED to share. NO one should judge us otherwise.  Do not settle in life.. Sometimes we find ourselves in a predicament as we did once upon a time ago. And fear what our peers think of us. It’s human  nature to want to share with someone what we are going through. And it not be about drama, but it is about life…LIVING….. What we are as individuals,………………… go through as humans….LIFE..LIVING…. it’s not drama.. See it for what it is… LIFE…..LIVING…

We have to believe in ourselves on many levels to see our best potential. What saddens me most, is when I see friends now, those of the past, potential good friends in the future, is that there is judgement…always….never……ending…judgement. How about we all just learn a better way of being still…Letting ourselves believe what you feel inside…If you just believe…. You to can find what truly feels good….. Who you are…And what and WHO you want to be.

Here is what I know…….Don’t loose site of who you are… For anyone…ever….. You have always been liked. You will….Always will be. Liked..

… Never forget that……

 

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The Wonder of it All!

Regina Phalange

The Wonder of it All………..

People’s minds, thought process, way of being…. I’m always taking that in. Not so much wondering, just pondering these things. What makes us tick? What makes us think the way we think and why? Is it those who surround us? Is it where we are at the moment? Is is simply our mindset and that is who we are?

Let me explain, recently a good friend of mine found herself challenged with a rage of emotions, ups, downs, a basic shit storm in her life (career, friends, partner, children, an ex, etc). What she pondered the most from it all was that she doesn’t like being alone, and is afraid that is where she is going to end up. Alone.
Aren’t we all afraid of that? Of course, but we can’t let that hinder the possibly of  what lies ahead for us. She is someone who needs to have someone in her life, she doesn’t want it, she needs it. Now we all know our needs and our wants, or do we? Sometimes our judgement gets clouded because of something that happens in our life, bam we are off the track. Some are able to get back on the track. Others just can’t muster the ability to jump back on, it’s to challenging, it’s to difficult, it’s to much for them to handle. Before they know it, their entire life is a shit storm with no end in site, no light at the end of the tunnel. Lost…….alone…..afraid………….

Prioritize, make a list, figure out what you can do now… What do you have control of…… Surprisingly more then we think we do. We just have to believe in ourselves….

I want to at times take her little shoulders and shake her just a little, to see if anything will reconnect again. However I know the best thing for her, is for her to figure it out herself. All I can do is tell her what I know…

So here is what I know… we have to take the challenges, the ups, the downs, the shit storms, that present themselves in our lives and run with them.  Ride the wave, none of us has a crystal ball, we cannot see into future. We can only hope, and take every moment given to us and ride the wave it has become. Stop being afraid of the storm, look it right in the face, don’t let it shake you down. You will come out of it brighter then you can imagine!

 

 

 

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Are Men like Cats…?…

Regina Phalange

123_1-3Men and cats…………………Are they more like them if we really think about it…

They only come around when they need a pet. Or when they need attention. Or when it’s on their time. They expect so much in a short period of time so their motors get running so loud it becomes annoying…… Without any regards to our own motors….  Come on we have them to and they need petting, attending and time as well…

What is that all about?

Now I am sure in the same sense men will say well women are like……. Help me out here, we are like…….. (Fill in the blank)_______________________.
And why do you feel we are like this? Regina’s inquiring mind wants to know! Help me help others understand this…….

Back to my point…..

Why is that the coming about is when it’s convenient for him in the case to those who are single? Could be a few things. Maybe some have misrepresented themselves. Perhaps we give them a short show of what we know they like. Then after we have them in our season, that show gets canceled and we still expect the same outcome. Or is it simply they are afraid?

So let’s see misrepresenting yourself, here’s a hint, STOP DOING THAT!! You are only going to be found out in the long run. Both men and women do this, I can never understand why someone would want to do this to themselves. All it does is lead someone down a path of wanting to run the minute they meet you. Be yourself, find the inner you and stick with. Don’t stray from it, it’s who you are! Else you will find yourself very much alone and wonder what you are doing wrong. At the end of the day the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Stop right now, go to the closet mirror and look deep into your eyes. Clearly.. Do you like what you see, do you like how you feel? If not, take a good long look and find out why…… You’ll thank me…

Next the short show. We find out what someone likes, enjoys, even a fantasy.. then we run with it… Once we have them in our web, some feel there is no need for the show. Really? What is wrong with people, if you are going to put on a show, turn on the TV, and watch the reruns…. The show we present ourselves in to those around us is one we live with everyday. Don’t be afraid to have it on all the time! Seriously if you like, love, and enjoy who you are, then your show should be turned on ALWAYS!  Sometimes the episode isn’t the best, that is simply because well we are human and life happens. And that’s OK.. HOWEVER with the right participants the show can be uplifted to something outside the crappy episode.

Being afraid… aren’t we all? It’s an emotion that some challenge themselves against. Stop doing that. It’s OK to be afraid, scared, what ever you want to call it. It’s part of being human. Here is what I know, some have such a hard time opening up, expressing themselves, effectively communicating what they want to say. I have fallen short in the past on this. The key is to learn from it. It’s OK to let others know how you feel, what bothers you about something they might have said, or have done. It’s OK to tell someone (men) they have great socks (yes Regina likes a man in nice happy socks). or tell a women how great she looks. Or let someone know, that you don’t like how they handled a situation they might have been a part of.
Why do we worry so much about judgement? We answer to ourselves, no one else. Yet we find ourselves in such a judgmental world. Be OK with what you believe in, stop worrying about what others think. At the end of the day you answer only to you!

Ok back to… Are Men Like Cats? Sometimes.. No, not always, just sometimes… When they come put their head in your lap they want to be there, even for a short period of time. When they nussle you, they want to be there, even for a short period of time. When they follow you around, they want to be there, even for a short period of time. Isn’t some time better then no time at all? Absolutely.

And so here is what I  know…..

Keep it real, always, keep it real…….

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P.S. Tell what you think Women are like? And why, I can’t wait to read what might be thought of out there. Now all I ask is to be gracious.. No need to bash and bad mouth…. Just keep it real….

Here is what I know……

Regina Phalange

I have both female and male friends that come and share with me their taunts of life… Dating, men, women, their ups and downs with friendships, breakups with friends, their madness of home life, their children (how they are growing up too fast and what should they do), their jobs/careers….and so on…

As if I have all the answers. As if Regina has ALL the answers….Who does? None of us do.

Simple… It’s what we know. Simple as that.

Here is what I know…..

I don’t give advice, I don’t give opinions, it’s not my place. Even when asked.

Simply put, Here is what I know…..

I’m just someone who has been through what we all have been through.

Let’s start with dating… Because Regina is such an expert.. Not really..

Here is what I know…

We have all experienced the wonderful world of dating. Not just with those we may find intrigue with. But with our friends also,  we date our friends. Yes we date our friends, we will get to this eventually.

Dating in general yea we all know it’s NO FUN. Especially as we get into out late 30’s, 40’s even in our 50’s. Challenging is an understatement.

None of which should be so difficult.

“And here we are”….

What’s interesting is I find myself here, again… 24 of the 49 years of my life I was with 2 men. Both of whom I lost myself life to. I was me for awhile, and then ta da I fell into their world, and making sure all was well in it. Even at the darkest moments, because I didn’t want to loose them. Unfortunately I lost the most important part……. me, myself, and I.

I was to busy making sure they were happy, and forgot about the happy part of me, myself and I. The only true way to be good for anyone, is to be good for yourself. With that, after the second long term relationship ended I vowed to me, myself and I will never allow myself to fall into that again.

Simple…. Now read this, think about it, don’t judge.. Put yourself there.. REALLY..

It is all about me (it’s all about you!!!!), as it should be. With this, I (You) can find the goodness I (You) can contribute onto others with-in me (You) first. Hence being good for myself, before I can be good for others.

How do I do that Regina!!!??!!! OK I’m just going to tell you again..

Here is what I know….

Effective communication…It may appear I am an effective communicator…. However…… Yes I fell short in this area… Why… well because again I didn’t want to loose what I thought was an amazing relationship.  Again the only thing I lost, was me, myself and I.

Don’t be afraid to communicate how you feel. Shutting yourself out to this only leads to shutting yourself out to being who you are! Human!  Someone with emotions, understanding, someone who wants..needs… a something, a someone, or simply to just be still with me, myself, and I.

I mean Isn’t that who that person fell for in the first place. Never lose that about yourself, it will be your loose, no one else’s.  

Simply put….

This is what I know!!!!

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